A Tiny Little Gift

Yesterday, I had this conversation with my son, Gregory (11):

G, "Mom, do you know what I was just thinking about?"

Me, "No, what?"

G, "I was just thinking about how much I admire both of my parents."

Me (*gulp*), "Oh yeah, why is that?"

G, "I admire dad because he is such a hard worker, and he supports this family of five. And I admire you, because you take such good care of us kids and everything about this house. I appreciate that!"

Me (playing it cool), "Thanks, Bud. I'm really glad you feel that way."

Every once in awhile, I get a tiny little gift from God, and yesterday it came in the form of this conversation. One of the hardest things about being a stay-at-home mom, is the lack of recognition and feeling of accomplishment. Yesterday I felt both.

A New Goal

A pre-race picture with my friend, Sarah

On Sunday, April 7th, I ran a half marathon. I've run several, and when I decided to run this one, I wanted a time goal. In January, I picked 2 hours. I had recently run a 5K in less than 26 minutes, and I knew I could run one mile in less than 8 minutes - two precursors (apparently) to running a half marathon in 2 hours. So, it was an informed decision, even though I sort of picked 2 hours out of the air. My fastest previous half marathon time was around 2:18 (my last pre-Mary half).

I ran this race as a fund raiser for a friend of a friend, Erin, who is pursuing an international adoption. Erin is also a personal trainer, and she agreed to train me to run this race in 2 hours.  She sent me weekly work outs. I did them, and I got faster. I felt well prepared.

Race day was the most beautiful day we'd had in awhile. For the first 6 miles, I was right on pace. Miles 6-8 were mostly uphill - a part of the course called "Holy Hill". The night before, I had driven the  course, so I was aware of how these miles would go. Still, when I reached mile 8, I was struggling, and slightly off pace. The hill, combined with warmer weather than I'd trained in, required me to drink more, and that took time.

My family waited to cheer me on at mile 9. I knew they were going to be there. (What a beautiful sight for me - those four precious people!!) I told Gary that I was struggling, and he encouraged me, saying he thought I was only one minute behind. At mile 9, my 2-hour goal was still well within reach.

I felt better after seeing my family, and I ran well to mile 11. I looked at the clock and realized that I had 20 more minutes to reach two hours. My target pace was 9:10/mile, so 2.1 miles in 20 minutes seemed very doable. I knew I was losing strength in my legs, and struggling some mentally, but I really thought I might have enough left to get it done.

In the middle of the 12th mile, though, there was a hill. Halfway up the hill, I made the decision to walk. It was excruciating, because I knew that if I walked, I was letting go of my two-hour goal. At that point, I knew I had no extra time. Walking felt like quitting. I was afraid that if I didn't walk, though, I would literally have to quit, because I would not be able to make it to the finish line. So I walked - feeling so discouraged. While walking up the hill, I texted this to Erin: "I'm walking at 12. I'm not going to make it." Honestly, in that moment, I was so sad. Erin and I texted until I got to the top of the hill, where I told her I was going to run again. With only about a mile left, I knew I would finish the race. I wanted to do it running.

And I did. I ran as hard as I could. I just put one foot in front of the other. When I could see the clock, I realized that if I kicked it in at the end, I would be able to finish in under 2:05. All of the sudden I had a NEW goal!! I started running as fast as I possibly could, and I finished the race in 2:04:27.

(Erin was getting texts informing her of my progress, and when I crossed the finish line, this text came to me from her: "2:04:27!!!!! That's awesome.")

In thinking back, I can't help but be a little disappointed that I didn't reach the goal I set for myself in January. I trained the best I could. I was well-prepared, but in the end, there was just one hill too many. I'm proud of my time. I know it's good one. But I did not run a half marathon in 2 hours or less.

But also in thinking back, I realize that there may be more to be learned and gained from the experience of not quite meeting a goal, than there would be from making it.  Not giving up, and setting a new goal, may tell me more about myself, than what running a half marathon in 2 hours does. Having my kids see me struggling along the race course, and working my hardest, at the end, to accomplish my new goal, may be the best lesson I could teach them through this experience. My need for the encouragement of others was much different in this race, than it was in other races that weren't as hard. I appreciated my family and Erin so much, and I realized that they loved me and were proud of me, no matter which goal I reached!

The sentiment of equating life to a marathon may be overused, but the truth is, life IS like a marathon! And I think it's more like a marathon that is hard and hilly and unpredictable, where goals are not reached and new ones are set, than it is like the races that simply go according to plan.

Friends, if you take anything away from this post, please take this: When things get hard along your course, walk if you have to, and when you can, set a new goal!!

SAHM

I'm currently reading the book, Flight Behavior, by Barbara Kingsolver. The main character is a stay-at-home-mom, and the book includes a few well-written, incredibly insightful sentences describing what life is like for her. Kingsolver writes, "...being a stay-at-home-mom is the lonliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself." (p. 59) and "...motherhood, with its routine costs of providing a largesse that outstripped her physical dimensions." (p. 60), and "A gut-twisting life of love, consecrated by the roof and walls that contained her and the air she was given to breathe." (p. 60).

This part of the book hit a nerve for me, in the most raw way. The decision to become (and to continue to be) a stay-at-home-mom, is one that I made/make without hesitation. And while there are many days that I wish I were working, I'm confident that I would make the same decision again. But it honestly can be a very lonely life, sometimes feeling as though these walls contain me, and what I breathe is only my particular allotment of air for that day! I'm thankful for these images from Barbara Kingsolver, because they somehow make me feel understood. I feel as though someone sees me. I try to keep the big picture in perspective. I know that I am in a particular stage of life. These lonely times won't last forever. Sometimes, though, the daily grind of this "gut-twisting life of love", becomes a little overwhelming. I write these words for other stay-at-home-moms to say, "I see you. I love you. You are not alone."

To be, or not to be... Overprotective

It's becoming almost a daily discussion - my 11 year old son not-so-subtly expressing how he feels about my "overprotective" parenting. Here's a list of things that "all" his friends have that he doesn't: a cellphone with texting capabilities, an Instagram account, Call of Duty and Black Ops for his Playstation, freedom to run around the neighborhood, and access to all the latest R-rated super hero movies.

He's 11! I'm quite sure all his friends don't have all these things, but enough of them do, to make my parenting style an on-going topic of discussion. And my go-to explanation, "I guess your friends' parents don't love them as much as I love you." just isn't cutting it!

Here's the deal. When I was in Jr. High I had to watch the Adam Walsh movie in Health. Do you remember that movie? I believe my overprotective parenting style was born when I was 12! I also live in St. Louis, where not so long ago, a Pizza Hut employee from a neighboring community kidnapped a boy, who was held for four days before being found by police. In the process though, they found another boy who had been held for four years! My son plays sports, and the high-profile Penn State tragedy required me to have an extremely hard conversation with him regarding locker rooms, and adults he may perceive to be safe but act strangely, etc...

I know that violent movies and video games affect young minds. I know that you have to be 13 to sign up for Facebook or Instagram. I know that Google+ is dangerous for kids.  I also don't believe my 11-year-old is mature enough to handle having instant access to texting, emailing and calling on a device that he keeps in his pocket. I think it's well within my normal parenting rights to exert this type of protection over him. In several of these cases I have the law (or "rules") on my side. In others I refer to my instincts. I think I'm doing what is in his best interest.

On the other hand... Is there another hand? How can I step back from doing the things I think are necessary to keep him safe, in a society that is full of crazy people and greedy business people who may very well do what they can to hurt and exploit him? Am I paranoid? Am I overprotective? Am I somehow messing him up, in my attempt to keep him safe?

Really, I'm asking you! What do you think?

My 3rd-Annual Oscar Preview Post

This year I saw 7 of the 9 movies nominated for Best Picture: Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook, and Zero Dark Thirty. The two I did not see were Django Unchained and Amour. I decided about a week ago to give up on seeing Django, but today was the day I gave up on Amour. I won't go into details, but I'm really disappointed about Amour. I saw a couple of other non-best-picture movies, because of their acting award nominations, including Flight, The Impossible, and The Sessions. The Master was a movie I really wanted to see, but I couldn't. So, again this year, I am unable to weigh in on all the nominated performances, because of my incomplete viewing, but I will make some predictions.

This year I was particularly struck by the depth of the human experience. Many of the films detailed true stories and real events, while still others depicted what my college professor, Dr. Reinhard, would describe as a "truth stories". I'm not sure of the amount of hours I spent crying during this Oscar season, but I know it was many. Throughout, the messages of hope, redemption, and faith (both keeping and experiencing) maintained strong. The pastor at our church preached a sermon series, recently, on the story of Jeremiah. One line that stuck with me from one of these sermons was: "Out of the pit, you will have a powerful story to tell." Powerful stories - indeed!

*Spoiler alert - please do not read if you do not want to know major plot points of all the following movies, and possible spoilers!*

Best Picture Nominees:

Argo tells the story of 6 American near-hostages in Iran at the end of 1979, and their eventual escape under the guise of being a Canadian film crew, leaving from a location-scouting trip. The beginning of the movie shows an Iranian mob storming the American embassy, and the real terror of the people inside, who realize they are on their own. Noone is coming to rescue them. We see a display of human experience in the light of possible panic, which in my opinion, was riveting. Many Americans were taken hostage, but 6 managed to escape and find refuge in the home of the Canadian ambassador, Ken Taylor (Victor Garber). Tony Mendez (played by Ben Affleck, who directed the film, among other things) is a CIA agent, who works with some of his Hollywood friends to devise an escape plan for the hostages. I found the film fascinating, and the acting compelling (especially John Goodman, and Ben Affleck with his nerdy-hunky late 70's look), but there were a few things that bothered me. I thought the ending was over-dramatic (and according to what I read on Wikipedia, untrue), and I couldn't help but wonder about the stories of those who were killed or captured in the American embassy. I'm glad six escaped, and their story is worth telling, but what about the others?

Beasts of the Southern Wild follows the story of a 6-year-old girl named, Hushpuppy, who lives in a Louisiana bayou community called "The Bathtub" with her dying father, and a community of other poverty-stricken folks. It's a heart-breaking tale, in which Hushpuppy lives in her own trailer of sorts, where she cooks her own cat food dinners by lighting the burner with a blow torch, while loving her tough-love-giving father and missing her deceased mother. She says things like, "Kids who have no mommas...gots to live in the woods, and eat grass and steal underpants.", and mentions at one point that she can count the times she's been lifted by another (in an embrace) on two fingers. Can you imagine? Quvenzhané Wallis, who plays Hushpuppy, is absolutely amazing (and only 5 at the time of filming. The film highlights the community's fierce independence in the face of crippling poverty. I couldn't help but think about how hard it is to really help people, without truly understanding the circumstances, and grasping the people's thoughts and feelings about their own plights. 

Les Miserables is the movie version of the popular musical, with Hugh Jackman (at his best) playing Jean Valjean, a shunned paroled prisoner, who finds refuge in a monastery, and then proceeds to steal from the very bishop who took him in. The Bishop shows much mercy, though, when Valjean is caught by the police and brought back, and Valjean is able to change his life and become a successful business man. Much more story is told. It's almost hardest for me to write about this movie, because I was moved by it so deeply. The performances (all singing) were astonishing, with the filming done in such a way that the audience was drawn in so completely (even seeing the snot dripping from Anne Hathaway's nose) as to experience the emotion of the difficult story in such a significant way!

Life of Pi is the story of a teenager, Pi, who is the only member of his family to survive a shipwreck. In the life boat with him, is a bengal tiger named Richard Parker. The filming is amazing and the story is larger than life, but the themes in the film are universal. A few of my favorite lines from the movie are these, "Faith is a house with many rooms.", "Above all - don't lose hope.", and "What hurts the most is not taking a moment to say good-bye." There is also a point in the movie where Pi, who is stranded on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with a tiger, looks at the sky, after a fish jumps into his boat, and prays aloud, "Thank you for coming in the form of a fish and saving our lives!" Sometimes in the midst of the pit, we must be thankful for the things that allow us to "survive", in order to tell our powerful story!

Lincoln was my favorite movie, and my friends know that I now have a very strong crush on Abraham Lincoln! I was so completely captivated by his compassionate intelligence! The movie chronicles the time during which Lincoln (and others) worked to get the 13th Amendment passed, which would formally abolish slavery. The Emancipation Proclamation was passed earlier, but Lincoln feared that because he had invoked his wartime powers, that it would either be reversed during peace time, or that peace would be reached with the South by allowing them to keep their slaves. Therefore, an amendment to the Constitution, was the only way to guarantee the abolishment of slavery, once the war was over. My favorite part in the movie involved an informal speech by Lincoln (of which there were many), in which he refers to a math textbook, written by Euclid, that he read as a self-taught child. 
Lincoln states, "Euclid's first common notion is this, things which are equal to the same thing are equal to each other. That's a rule of mathematical reasoning. It's true because it works. Has done and always will do. In his book, Euclid says this is 'self-evident.' You see there it is, even in that 2,000-year-old book of mechanical law. It is a self-evident truth that things that are equal to the same thing are equal to each other." Thus says the Declaration of Independence, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal...", and Lincoln read the same concept, as a boy, and was driven to ensure the destruction of slavery based on this truth! I haven't explained this very well, but I think you may be able to see why I have a small thing for Abraham Lincoln! And Daniel Day-Lewis did a bang-up job of portraying him! Wow!

Silver Linings Playbook was a "dramedy" about Pat (Bradley Cooper) who was recently released from a mental hospital, and his relationships with his family and beautifully quirky neighbor, Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence). The acting was fantastic, especially (I think) the performances by Robert De Niro and Jackie Weaver, as Pat's parents, but also including the performances of the leads. I think a person may need to see Jennifer Lawrence's other major performances (Winter's Bone and Hunger Games), to truly appreciate her creation of the character in this film. I didn't like the movie that much, though, mostly I think, because I wasn't really drawn into the story. I kind of didn't buy it. I know many people loved the film, though, so I'll just leave it at that.

Zero Dark Thirty told the story of the manhunt and murder of Osama Bin Laden. Jessica Chastain played Maya, whose life's work, thus far, had involved the search for Bin Laden. She was semi-obsessed, and was smart and resilient enough to continue on until the work was done. There were parts of this movie that were incredibly hard to watch, but the story was compelling and well-told. Jessica Chastain shines in this role (and I would say that if you saw her in The Help, you would probably further appreciate her range - similar to Jennifer Lawrence). This movie depicted the human experience on so many levels!

Non-Best Picture (acting award nominees):

In Flight, Denzel Washington plays an alcoholic pilot (with tons of baggage, haha!!) named Whip, who miraculously lands a failing plane while drunk and high! His skill at landing the plane is undeniable, but a blood test taken at the hospital reveals his secret. The story which unfolds takes Whip deep into the pit, in order to find redemption. 

The Impossible tells the true story of an Australian family who gets caught in the Tsunami in Thailand in 2004. I think I cried in this movie from beginning to end. I really don't want to say to much, because it is easy to give things majorly away for this movie. The relationship, though, between the mother and her oldest son was particularly poignant for me, because it reminded me so much of my own relationship with my 11-year-old son. This movie is painful to watch, but a valuable look at the human experience in the face of tragedy.

I've run out of time to discuss The Sessions (and kind of don't want to discuss it anyway), but I found it to be an incredibly touching story (no pun intended, haha again!!). Helen Hunt's performance was beautifully sensitive and nuanced. 

My predictions: 
Best Picture - Lincoln
Leading Actor - Daniel Day-Lewis
Leading Actress - Jessica Chastain
Supporting Actor - Robert De Niro
Supporting Actress - Helen Hunt
Directing - Steven Spielberg

I waited until the eleventh hour this year to write and post my Oscar thoughts, but let me know what you think (either before or after the awards show). I always love to discuss!! 

**as a disclaimer, I will say that I wrote this whole thing in one sitting, today, and ran out of time for much editing. I know, for example, that some paragraphs are written in the present tense and others in the past, but I don't have time to make them all consistent. Please forgive me. I think next year I will write about the movies as I see them (and not wait until I've seen them all - or most). Please remind me that I said that, if you see me next year during Oscar time!

Do What You Can, Whenever You Can

I just finished reading the book, The End of Your Life Book Club, an inspiring true story of a mother/son book club, started after the mother's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. The mother, Mary Anne, has spent her life as a humanitarian, traveling the world and working in her home state of New York, to address many human rights causes, especially those of refugees. At one point in the book, after reading a particularly heart-wrenching story, Mary Anne's son, Will, tells her that he feels guilty for not doing more to help people. I was so struck by Mary Anne's response,

"Of course you could do more - you can always do more, and you should do more - but still, the important thing is to do what you can, whenever you can. You just do your best, and that's all you can do. Too many people use the excuse that they don't think they can do enough, so they decide they don't have to do anything. There's never a good excuse for not doing anything - even if it's just to sign something, or send a small contribution, or invite a newly settled refugee family over for Thanksgiving." (p. 255)

When I worked as a social worker, I had a sense of satisfaction that part of every day was spent helping people. I knew I wasn't making huge changes, or taking on worldwide causes, but each day I helped kids to hopefully feel better about themselves, and to be able to spend more time learning.

As a mom, I know the importance of this work. I know that raising loving, caring, good citizens is a daily contribution to the greater good. Unfortunately, in the trenches, it doesn't always feel that way. I definitely spend time wishing I was doing more to help people who are struggling. Mary Anne's words struck a cord with me. I definitely need to recognize and appreciate how important my children, and my care of them, is in the big picture, but I also need to do whatever else I can, whenever I can to help the people around me who may need a little something from me.

Let's do it! Let's all try to do something for someone. It doesn't matter what. It doesn't matter when. When you feel the urge, give in to it! I'll try to do the same!

Yay! It's Summer! ....Oh, Holy crap! It's summer! Part 2

Summer is half over! And I am still struggling! Yesterday I complained to Gary, and this is what I said: "I feel like ALL I've done all day is make meals and clean them up, with some laundry and picking up after kids sprinkled in there....well, besides the 3 HOURS I spent at the pool!" See? It's paradoxical! I'm not too happy with the way things are going this summer, but WOW! what a great life I have! Is anyone following me here? Of course,the guilt I feel about not savoring these precious moments of summer, just make it harder for me to enjoy them! Does this strike a chord with any of you? Please talk to me!